Can be dangerous. And cathartic all at the same time.
I love living on the edge. But I can't finish this post right now because I can't remember where I was headed with this one.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
That's a big fat. . Maybe
But probably, hopefully, a Yes.
My husband has been looking for a new job since mid-July. Lots and lots of applications, interviews and possibilities have come down to no job, yet.
He got a temporary/part time job working for one of his previous employers. It came to light, as he was working there, that they would be looking for a new company to contract out their driving to. Lester was the first one they thought of. They insisted that he draw up a business plan and think about bidding for the contract. We crunched some numbers and figured out that it'd be a great opportunity. So while we are knee deep in paper work, estimates, researching insurance companies, gas expenses, writing up client contracts, rules and on and on. The start date, should we get the bid, is January 2009.
Then, a letter comes in the mail.
One of the places he applied for in July, has finalized their employment selection and my husband is on the list. They want him to finish all the tests they require. It is looking promising that he may be offered this job, to start in January.
We don't want to stop the bidding process because the other job is not guaranteed and we don't want to stop the testing because the contract is not guaranteed. But considering the amount of work and time that has gone into both jobs, once we go ahead in both processes there isn't any turning back. On either job.
The contract job offers some flexibility, SOME (as the owner you always work the most). But no insurance benefits. The second job offers benefits, but has a pretty set schedule (probably 4/10's and alternate weekends).
We've decided that if offered both, we'll take it. And I will be the primary worker for the contract work. That is a scary proposition for 3 reasons. 1. It's a big BIG responsibility. 2. The hours will require the boys be in day care for 6 hours a day, possibly less depending on the structured job schedule. 3. Stress. It's a huge responsibility and my stress management skills are almost zero.
I've always wanted to be a stay home mom. Always. But I was also raised by a mom who worked days, I was completely fine as a latch key kid and I wouldn't change any of that. At all. But still, the thought of finding someone to watch them so early in the morning (I'd leave to pick up clients at 6:30-7 am) and be done around 10 and then have to go again around 3pm and be finished by 5pm. Plus, I would be in charge of the paper work, scheduling, routes and management type stuff, which is why I'd have to add in another hour or so at the end of both driving shifts.
When would I do all the house stuff? Laundry? Cooking? Coupon shopping? and really am I unreasonable to think I need some down time? Are scrapbooking, jewelry making and friends going to go by the wayside? And exercise? Seriously I'll go stir crazy nuts without some exercise.
Then again all this worrying could be for nothing. What if they both say no and we are still without a permanent job?
While the possibilities of two yes's is scary, the possibility of two no's is scarier.
My husband has been looking for a new job since mid-July. Lots and lots of applications, interviews and possibilities have come down to no job, yet.
He got a temporary/part time job working for one of his previous employers. It came to light, as he was working there, that they would be looking for a new company to contract out their driving to. Lester was the first one they thought of. They insisted that he draw up a business plan and think about bidding for the contract. We crunched some numbers and figured out that it'd be a great opportunity. So while we are knee deep in paper work, estimates, researching insurance companies, gas expenses, writing up client contracts, rules and on and on. The start date, should we get the bid, is January 2009.
Then, a letter comes in the mail.
One of the places he applied for in July, has finalized their employment selection and my husband is on the list. They want him to finish all the tests they require. It is looking promising that he may be offered this job, to start in January.
We don't want to stop the bidding process because the other job is not guaranteed and we don't want to stop the testing because the contract is not guaranteed. But considering the amount of work and time that has gone into both jobs, once we go ahead in both processes there isn't any turning back. On either job.
The contract job offers some flexibility, SOME (as the owner you always work the most). But no insurance benefits. The second job offers benefits, but has a pretty set schedule (probably 4/10's and alternate weekends).
We've decided that if offered both, we'll take it. And I will be the primary worker for the contract work. That is a scary proposition for 3 reasons. 1. It's a big BIG responsibility. 2. The hours will require the boys be in day care for 6 hours a day, possibly less depending on the structured job schedule. 3. Stress. It's a huge responsibility and my stress management skills are almost zero.
I've always wanted to be a stay home mom. Always. But I was also raised by a mom who worked days, I was completely fine as a latch key kid and I wouldn't change any of that. At all. But still, the thought of finding someone to watch them so early in the morning (I'd leave to pick up clients at 6:30-7 am) and be done around 10 and then have to go again around 3pm and be finished by 5pm. Plus, I would be in charge of the paper work, scheduling, routes and management type stuff, which is why I'd have to add in another hour or so at the end of both driving shifts.
When would I do all the house stuff? Laundry? Cooking? Coupon shopping? and really am I unreasonable to think I need some down time? Are scrapbooking, jewelry making and friends going to go by the wayside? And exercise? Seriously I'll go stir crazy nuts without some exercise.
Then again all this worrying could be for nothing. What if they both say no and we are still without a permanent job?
While the possibilities of two yes's is scary, the possibility of two no's is scarier.
Life as I Know it
If you knew your life was to change, drastically, in exactly 3 months time, what would you do with the time in your life as you know it?
I've been thinking a lot about changes. A whole LOT.
I'm always nervous to share what I learned during conference, because I sincerely believe that I hear most, that which I need to learn. I've shared many a thought on talks only to have the person I'm speaking to say, "I don't recall hearing that". Having said that, I found that there were a lot of talks on change, trial and strength in the face of adversity and ways to find peace amidst it all.
There have been times in my life when I've thought, I will look back on this hour/day/month/year and think, "wow! I survived and look at what I learned from it". But in reality, most times I look back and think, "that wasn't that bad". Part of it, I believe, is that my worrying made it more difficult. But the bigger part, I believe, is that through the struggling I grew. The me that looks back on the trial is stronger than the me, facing the trial. I wouldn't be the same person if I hadn't grown through the trial.
I am in the middle of a trial and changing period. Part of me is looking back at what I've come through and is cheering. Another part of me is looking ahead at what is still before me and straining to see an end. Is there an end??
I believe there is an end in sight, but it is also the beginning point of something new. Something I'm feeling a little afraid of. I'm not quite sure how or what I need to learn between here and there. Part of me wants to spend the next 3 months pretending I don't know what is coming. Part of me wants to start adjusting to my new reality. Part of me wishes I could go back to the way things were before, but realizes that while it seemed nice then, "The best is yet to be".
I have a heck of a To-Do list. Things I may not have time for in the near future. Things I've put off for tomorrow, only to realize tomorrow is already full. I've been reading Elder Perry's talk on Simplicity. Simplifying takes work, but oh what stress it relieves.
My life isn't where I imagined it would be a year ago and a year from now I can only try to imagine where it may end up. I only wish I could know where that is, will it be more of the same? (as in the past 12 months) something more secure? Please let it be more secure. Please tell me that I'll be strong enough to get through. Please tell me I'll be glad I did it.
I've been thinking a lot about changes. A whole LOT.
I'm always nervous to share what I learned during conference, because I sincerely believe that I hear most, that which I need to learn. I've shared many a thought on talks only to have the person I'm speaking to say, "I don't recall hearing that". Having said that, I found that there were a lot of talks on change, trial and strength in the face of adversity and ways to find peace amidst it all.
There have been times in my life when I've thought, I will look back on this hour/day/month/year and think, "wow! I survived and look at what I learned from it". But in reality, most times I look back and think, "that wasn't that bad". Part of it, I believe, is that my worrying made it more difficult. But the bigger part, I believe, is that through the struggling I grew. The me that looks back on the trial is stronger than the me, facing the trial. I wouldn't be the same person if I hadn't grown through the trial.
I am in the middle of a trial and changing period. Part of me is looking back at what I've come through and is cheering. Another part of me is looking ahead at what is still before me and straining to see an end. Is there an end??
I believe there is an end in sight, but it is also the beginning point of something new. Something I'm feeling a little afraid of. I'm not quite sure how or what I need to learn between here and there. Part of me wants to spend the next 3 months pretending I don't know what is coming. Part of me wants to start adjusting to my new reality. Part of me wishes I could go back to the way things were before, but realizes that while it seemed nice then, "The best is yet to be".
I have a heck of a To-Do list. Things I may not have time for in the near future. Things I've put off for tomorrow, only to realize tomorrow is already full. I've been reading Elder Perry's talk on Simplicity. Simplifying takes work, but oh what stress it relieves.
My life isn't where I imagined it would be a year ago and a year from now I can only try to imagine where it may end up. I only wish I could know where that is, will it be more of the same? (as in the past 12 months) something more secure? Please let it be more secure. Please tell me that I'll be strong enough to get through. Please tell me I'll be glad I did it.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Untitled
I've not posted in nearly a week and a half, on any of my blogs.
I've been at a loss for words and not because things aren't happening, they are. I hate to sound cryptic but lots of the things that are happening are not great. I've been feeling down and discouraged and with great (as in big, not 'super terrific fabulous' great) reasons.
My brain is full, full, full. I have so many thought swirling around my head that I'm afraid to open my mouth. Afraid to open the faucet for fear of creating a flood. A flood of non-contained thoughts, unfinished or resolved feelings and worst of all a tidal wave of emotion. It's all in there. I'm just trying to find a way to let out a slow leak. And I haven't found one yet.
I've been at a loss for words and not because things aren't happening, they are. I hate to sound cryptic but lots of the things that are happening are not great. I've been feeling down and discouraged and with great (as in big, not 'super terrific fabulous' great) reasons.
My brain is full, full, full. I have so many thought swirling around my head that I'm afraid to open my mouth. Afraid to open the faucet for fear of creating a flood. A flood of non-contained thoughts, unfinished or resolved feelings and worst of all a tidal wave of emotion. It's all in there. I'm just trying to find a way to let out a slow leak. And I haven't found one yet.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Personal Assistant Needed
A: Because my brain has a tendency to block out painful memories.
B: I have no ability to say no, on my own accord without feeling the need to endlessly justify my cause. Which totally rules out the reason of, just don't wanna do it.
C:My scheduling style would put Supergirl in a tizzy.
Exibit A & B- I am doing an Edible Gifts demonstration/class for Super Saturday. This Saturday. I'm pretty sure I was sucked into this by reason of exhibit B. I have no idea what was announced as to the details of my class, I'm in the nursery on Sunday and we never get announcements. I do know that no money was collected to cover class expenses. I nearly pulled my sign up sheet and class from the roster. The room was full of ladies when I went in the first time and when it was empty again, there were 4 names on my sign up sheet. I could have pulled the plug then, but again B comes into action.
Then I was told that I could have budget money for my class if we would make enough to provide dessert for the luncheon. A ha, funding that didn't come from my empty pocket, a big +. I said okay.
I've been scrambling all week to figure out what we are going to do. I finally decided on doing something that could be demonstrated in class and then the class attendees would help make multiples for dessert. We'll also be focusing on presentation, so wrapping edibles for gift giving. That's my favorite part and class members will all get copies of the recipes as well.
Today I was talking to my friend Linda. She said she was really surprised that I would sign up to do this again. Again, I asked?? Yes, again. She reminded me that I'd done this once before, worked feverishly on preparing lots of time consuming treats and candies and then had all that work walk out in the pockets and piled on mini plates of women who had never paid for the class in the first place. I must've cried, but I really don't remember. I do remember that I had a class fee for that one and turned in receipts as it turned out to be a free for all.
I *just* asked a friend who attends RS and she said it was sold as a demonstration only and that WE (the demonstration attendees) would be providing dessert with our newly found skills. Hurray!
I need to learn to say no, and mean it and NOT feel guilty that I can't say yes to everything.
I need to learn from this and remember so I don't end up with a stress cold and horrible memories of Super Saturday. (I've yet to attend one that I wasn't in charge of a class at)
I need to find a realistic schedule and realize what doesn't fit, can't be done.
B: I have no ability to say no, on my own accord without feeling the need to endlessly justify my cause. Which totally rules out the reason of, just don't wanna do it.
C:My scheduling style would put Supergirl in a tizzy.
Exibit A & B- I am doing an Edible Gifts demonstration/class for Super Saturday. This Saturday. I'm pretty sure I was sucked into this by reason of exhibit B. I have no idea what was announced as to the details of my class, I'm in the nursery on Sunday and we never get announcements. I do know that no money was collected to cover class expenses. I nearly pulled my sign up sheet and class from the roster. The room was full of ladies when I went in the first time and when it was empty again, there were 4 names on my sign up sheet. I could have pulled the plug then, but again B comes into action.
Then I was told that I could have budget money for my class if we would make enough to provide dessert for the luncheon. A ha, funding that didn't come from my empty pocket, a big +. I said okay.
I've been scrambling all week to figure out what we are going to do. I finally decided on doing something that could be demonstrated in class and then the class attendees would help make multiples for dessert. We'll also be focusing on presentation, so wrapping edibles for gift giving. That's my favorite part and class members will all get copies of the recipes as well.
Today I was talking to my friend Linda. She said she was really surprised that I would sign up to do this again. Again, I asked?? Yes, again. She reminded me that I'd done this once before, worked feverishly on preparing lots of time consuming treats and candies and then had all that work walk out in the pockets and piled on mini plates of women who had never paid for the class in the first place. I must've cried, but I really don't remember. I do remember that I had a class fee for that one and turned in receipts as it turned out to be a free for all.
I *just* asked a friend who attends RS and she said it was sold as a demonstration only and that WE (the demonstration attendees) would be providing dessert with our newly found skills. Hurray!
I need to learn to say no, and mean it and NOT feel guilty that I can't say yes to everything.
I need to learn from this and remember so I don't end up with a stress cold and horrible memories of Super Saturday. (I've yet to attend one that I wasn't in charge of a class at)
I need to find a realistic schedule and realize what doesn't fit, can't be done.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
A tag: Long live Random Thoughts
A List of Eights
8 TV Shows I Love to Watch
1. Biggest Loser
2. Dancing with the stars
3. Life
4. CSI (Las Vegas and I won't watch after Grisam and Warrick leave)
5. Amazing Race
6. Good things Utah- Especially when my Cousin is on, she's famous (She's the Thanksgiving Point girl!) I'll also watch Studio 5 if she is scheduled to be on that day.
7. Law and Order SVU
8. I cannot think of any more current favorites. I do wish Ed would come back, I loved that show!
8 Things that Happened Yesterday
1. Had a friend over and talked grown up stuff (like the whole time) while the boys were all at school.
2. Started and almost finished my new favorite necklace. It's gonna be gorgeous. Browns, taupe, ivory and it's all pearl. Kind of like this one.
3. I cleaned up toys, approximately 982 of them. If you count picking up the same toy 100 times. Which I do.
4. Ran my butt off. Apparently only figuratively speaking as the scale has not budged in 5 weeks.
5. Talked to a great friend on the phone.
6. Styled my hair for the first time in almost a week.
7. Cleaned out the fridge
8. Drank a gallon of water
8 Favorite Places to Eat
1. Home
2. Sweet Tomatoes
3. Cafe Rio
4. Rumbi Island Grill
5. The Roof (if I'm thinking extravagantly)
6. California Pizza Kitchen (I've enjoyed it the two times I've been)
7. I'm pretty ashamed that I can't think of any more favorite places to eat. We do not eat out often, that is apparent. I would like to try Bombara (in SLC)
8. Cold stone. I like to eat at coldstone. Does having ice cream for dinner count?
8 Things I Am Looking Forward To
1. Preschool and free time to make more jewelry tomorrow
2. Running my butt off tomorrow. And doing 200 situps, lunges and push ups. Seriously.
3. Super Saturday: Being OVER
4. Caleb and Eli playing together, without bloodshed
5. Eating butternut squash from the garden
6. Christmas
7. My Cousin Spencer coming home from his mission
8. Thanksgiving Dinner (with the Mayberry's?)
8 Things on My Wish List
1. Sell 5 bracelets, 2 necklaces and 10 pair of earrings by Christmas
2. That I could wake up 30 pounds lighter
3. Our business proposal will be picked up and signed under contract
4. A maid
5. an assertive sales rep to get my jewelry into a few nice hotel gift shops or boutiques
6. to fit in my college jeans by Christmas
7. Visit Fiji-I'd love to serve a mission there with Lester
8. Nice, faithful, successful adult children.
8 People I Tag
You know I'm not going to do this. But if you want to play along, tell me in the comments and I'll come visit you...
8 TV Shows I Love to Watch
1. Biggest Loser
2. Dancing with the stars
3. Life
4. CSI (Las Vegas and I won't watch after Grisam and Warrick leave)
5. Amazing Race
6. Good things Utah- Especially when my Cousin is on, she's famous (She's the Thanksgiving Point girl!) I'll also watch Studio 5 if she is scheduled to be on that day.
7. Law and Order SVU
8. I cannot think of any more current favorites. I do wish Ed would come back, I loved that show!
8 Things that Happened Yesterday
1. Had a friend over and talked grown up stuff (like the whole time) while the boys were all at school.
2. Started and almost finished my new favorite necklace. It's gonna be gorgeous. Browns, taupe, ivory and it's all pearl. Kind of like this one.
3. I cleaned up toys, approximately 982 of them. If you count picking up the same toy 100 times. Which I do.
4. Ran my butt off. Apparently only figuratively speaking as the scale has not budged in 5 weeks.
5. Talked to a great friend on the phone.
6. Styled my hair for the first time in almost a week.
7. Cleaned out the fridge
8. Drank a gallon of water
8 Favorite Places to Eat
1. Home
2. Sweet Tomatoes
3. Cafe Rio
4. Rumbi Island Grill
5. The Roof (if I'm thinking extravagantly)
6. California Pizza Kitchen (I've enjoyed it the two times I've been)
7. I'm pretty ashamed that I can't think of any more favorite places to eat. We do not eat out often, that is apparent. I would like to try Bombara (in SLC)
8. Cold stone. I like to eat at coldstone. Does having ice cream for dinner count?
8 Things I Am Looking Forward To
1. Preschool and free time to make more jewelry tomorrow
2. Running my butt off tomorrow. And doing 200 situps, lunges and push ups. Seriously.
3. Super Saturday: Being OVER
4. Caleb and Eli playing together, without bloodshed
5. Eating butternut squash from the garden
6. Christmas
7. My Cousin Spencer coming home from his mission
8. Thanksgiving Dinner (with the Mayberry's?)
8 Things on My Wish List
1. Sell 5 bracelets, 2 necklaces and 10 pair of earrings by Christmas
2. That I could wake up 30 pounds lighter
3. Our business proposal will be picked up and signed under contract
4. A maid
5. an assertive sales rep to get my jewelry into a few nice hotel gift shops or boutiques
6. to fit in my college jeans by Christmas
7. Visit Fiji-I'd love to serve a mission there with Lester
8. Nice, faithful, successful adult children.
8 People I Tag
You know I'm not going to do this. But if you want to play along, tell me in the comments and I'll come visit you...
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Time Killer
Tagged by Cheryl. The other queen of random.
Anyway, here's 7 MORE random facts about me. Because I feel like typing but need a little direction. And why wouldn't you want to know more about me?
1. I love math. Love it more than is probably healthy. My brain loves numbers and equations. I took extra math in both high school and college, just for fun. And because the cutest football/soccer player in HS sat behind me in math. Both years, all year. I loved that teacher.
2. I enjoy organizing. But only if I don't have to. I try to organize before it gets to the 'have to' stage so that it is still fun.
3. My name is Samoan. And for that reason alone, I always felt like a bigger part of me was meant to be an Island girl. Unfortunately my tanning abilities remind me that I'm still a translucent white girl with a polynesian name.
4. I loved my husband before we ever met in person.
5. I over analyze everything. I preplan conversations and agonize over nerdy things I say (which weren't planned) afterward. Sometimes for days.
6. I have a 3 year supply of laundry soap in my garage. AT least 3 years worth, possibly more.
7. I am a pretty awesome chef. Like the best on the planet, so says my 7 year old.
Seven people I would like to tag for this Random Meme: Whoever wants to can. But I'm not gonna make ya!
Anyway, here's 7 MORE random facts about me. Because I feel like typing but need a little direction. And why wouldn't you want to know more about me?
1. I love math. Love it more than is probably healthy. My brain loves numbers and equations. I took extra math in both high school and college, just for fun. And because the cutest football/soccer player in HS sat behind me in math. Both years, all year. I loved that teacher.
2. I enjoy organizing. But only if I don't have to. I try to organize before it gets to the 'have to' stage so that it is still fun.
3. My name is Samoan. And for that reason alone, I always felt like a bigger part of me was meant to be an Island girl. Unfortunately my tanning abilities remind me that I'm still a translucent white girl with a polynesian name.
4. I loved my husband before we ever met in person.
5. I over analyze everything. I preplan conversations and agonize over nerdy things I say (which weren't planned) afterward. Sometimes for days.
6. I have a 3 year supply of laundry soap in my garage. AT least 3 years worth, possibly more.
7. I am a pretty awesome chef. Like the best on the planet, so says my 7 year old.
Seven people I would like to tag for this Random Meme: Whoever wants to can. But I'm not gonna make ya!
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