I wear my heart

Tattooed to my arm. Permanently. No matter how hard I try to 'be tough' the emotions always show. I have become a little better at postponing emotion and hiding it when necessary but really, truly I'm still a super emotional person.

I used to think of it as a weakness. Sometimes I still do. But there must be some strength in it somewhere. I'm still looking for it.

Ouch that really hurt!

Today Gabe told me I was a bad mom and that he hated me. I hope he actually meant that he hated that I was enforcing rules and following through with consequences.

WHERE is it?

I searched every drawer and bin and bucket looking for some stamps I bought. They're the clear resin kind so they aren't mounted and apparently very easy to hide. I can't think of one more place to look, but my room is clean. And I discovered another stamp (not so small) that is hiding very well too.

If I go buy another set (if I can find them in stock anywhere) they'll show up tomorrow. But I'd rather find them. WHERE did they hide?

This is what the missing set of stamps look like. And THIS is the missing now found stamp.

Update: I found the larger, mounted stamp. Hurray! I also looked online to see what it would cost to replace the other set, $15 stamps and $10 (?!?!) to ship it. Did I mention it is smaller than a sheet of paper and less than 1/4 inch thick? That is a ridiculous shipping fee!!!!!!! But if I weigh the option of shopping with my 3, it actually seems reasonable. HOW crazy is that!?

Update #2: I'm starting to wonder if I really ever bought the stamps. I have looked for it in a lot of strange places and in some not so strange places several times. Did I buy them?? The strange thing is I can visualize myself opening the package and being excited to play with them, but I have no scrapbook/stamp proof that I ever used them. Did I dream it?

I tripped across memory lane

I found something from my past on etsy. Strawberry Shortcake and her friends.
That seller has quite a few of them listed.
They were the first toy I remember. I am pretty sure I had all the dolls too. My parents used them as incentive for many things. I do believe I was potty trained with a whole slew of SS and friends as the reward.

I loved dressing them up, organizing and rearranging them with their animal friends and occasionally Sour Grapes and her boyfriend Purple Pieman would also wreck havoc on the barbies as well.

Running On Empty

My patience meter seems to be running in the red zone. I could really really really use a little recharge me time. But I have a gazillion things that have to be done in every spare second I can find. How do I sneak in a mini recharge without draining the battery further with post-recharge damage control and clean up???

I Cheated!

Yep. I did. And I am unashamed.

It's all my children's fault. I've done laundry for two straight days!


My thanks goes out to my cousin Lloyd for his secret family recipe; Cousin Albert's Son for having the stuff I needed on Sale, The Pepperidge farmers for paying for it all (even some sanity saving chocolate and the crackers for the nursery) with those great little coupons. And my fabulous Rival crockpot for keeping it all a secret, just like a sister would.

Without them I'd be a raving lunatic tonight. And we'd be eating cold cereal for dinner.

A moment of Clarity

Being the Mom was hard today. Really really hard. Thank you Laurie for reminding me that someday the little boys who got dirty enough for 3 baths today, will be grown up and rarely around. And I'll wish for the days when they couldn't get enough play time with me and they were literally following my every footstep.

I'm sure you're right. But right now, I'm really glad they're sleeping peacefully and that it's too dark to go in their room and sort out a load of laundry.

Etsy Love

Check this out.
I regularly cruise etsy for fun jewelry ideas and sewing projects. Today I found this and it made me laugh.

I was a buxom teenager, wearing my first real underwire bra in 5th grade. And I can so totally appreciate that button. Wish I'd had one of those and the guts to go with it back then. Because pregnancy and nursing have changed that part of me so much that if I were to wear it now it'd receive snickers instead of respect.

I LOVE my Friends

I really do. They bring me great joy and laughter. They teach me new things and often become a sounding board for my random blatherings. I have great friends.

And yet I struggle with my friendships. I can be that 'flaky friend' when I'm depressed and hiding from the world. I can be the 'needy friend' when I'm struggling to pull myself out of a dark place. I can be that annoying friend who won't stop leaving you messages even when you don't want to talk. I can also be the friend that surprises you with a treat, just because it's Tuesday. I can be the friend that calls and offers something to do just when you thought no one noticed you were missing.

I think my biggest struggle is with knowing when to let go. Is there such a time? When the friendship has served it's purpose and the only place it lives is in the memories and the way they helped you grow? Is there a time when calling doesn't help, only hurts what would be a memory of a great friend? I think for me the answer has always been no. And that has had heartbreaking results at times. Maybe the answer needs to be sometimes and for some situations, yes. I've always loved this poem.

Footprints on the Heart 
 By Flavia

Some people come into our lives and quickly go.
Some people move our souls to dance.
They awaken us to new understanding
with the passing whisper of their wisdom.

Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon.
They stay in our lives for awhile,
leave footprints on our hearts
And we are never, ever the same. 

I take comfort in knowing that the full effects of friendships are not limited to this life alone. At the same time it makes the circumstances of recently lost friendships so much more heartbreaking. I wish I could know now the answers to my questions. The things I would ask my friends (I am still their friend, it is no longer returned from their end) would relieve my heart of so much. Or maybe it wouldn't. I just have to trust the answers I've received from the one person who knows more than any of us.

I thought when I got married the hurt of 'breaking up' would be over. But being dumped by a great friend hurts so much more than being dumped by some dumb guy.

Still waters run deep

I've always loved this thought. But never exemplified it. I talk way too often and think after I speak more than I'd like to admit. I rehash conversations, regret things I've said and wish I had more time to say what I was really thinking. I plan conversations before they ever happen. My mind is full and my mouth runneth over. And yet, I consider myself somewhat shy.

I started my other blog to remember my children's lives as they are and sometimes I think about posting a thought and then stop, because if my children were to read it would they see happy childhood memories remembered or a stressed mother's rantings and emotional outbursts???

I think they can be separate, without denying that either part exists at exactly the same time. Thoughts coming from two parts of me and yet still equaling the same whole.