I was at the Insurance company this afternoon, signing some checks and some papers. I had to sign and date them. That's when it hit me. Tomorrow. I'm turning 30.
I'm not exactly the 30 something I wanted to be. I'm disappointed at the things I haven't accomplished. And grateful for the things I have done, and thrilled that even though I thought it as a kid, Life doesn't end at 30.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Monday, November 24, 2008
Self Discovery
I have learned a valuable lesson. It is easier to stay caught up with journaling/blogging than it is to start up again after you've slacked off for a time.
I don't have the get up and go to even think about writing much today, so even a little bit is a big success.
Lester and I spoke in church yesterday. It has been a long time since I've spoken in sacrament meeting. We had 3 days notice. Not much time for me, I usually plan and agonize for a week or more and practice a gazillion times a day. I hate public speaking, but you wouldn't know it by hearing me speak in public. I've been told that you can't tell I'm nervous, at all.
Yesterday was no exception. I was a bundle of nerves, to the point of being sick to my stomach. I remember thinking to myself, breath. Don't forget to breath. Look at the audience. Stick to my script. Try not to notice the man sleeping in the back. Keep a prayer in your heart. Don't be afraid to say something not in the script if prompted. And then it was over.
Lester had a look of complete shock when I turned around. I checked my dress, I wasn't mooning the bishopric was I? Were there mascara streaks on my cheeks? Was it really bad? He answered my questions, "that was amazing!". And then he said, "you're so funny, stressing out about it and then blowing everyone away with that great talk. To think I was worried for you. Very nice job."
So what did I say? Is there a taping of it? Because I feel like 'I' didn't have much to do with it. That is the amazing part about teaching by the spirit. Sometimes all it takes is a talkative someone to be willing to try and think up something so-so to say but be open to saying whatever the spirit prompts.
I don't have the get up and go to even think about writing much today, so even a little bit is a big success.
Lester and I spoke in church yesterday. It has been a long time since I've spoken in sacrament meeting. We had 3 days notice. Not much time for me, I usually plan and agonize for a week or more and practice a gazillion times a day. I hate public speaking, but you wouldn't know it by hearing me speak in public. I've been told that you can't tell I'm nervous, at all.
Yesterday was no exception. I was a bundle of nerves, to the point of being sick to my stomach. I remember thinking to myself, breath. Don't forget to breath. Look at the audience. Stick to my script. Try not to notice the man sleeping in the back. Keep a prayer in your heart. Don't be afraid to say something not in the script if prompted. And then it was over.
Lester had a look of complete shock when I turned around. I checked my dress, I wasn't mooning the bishopric was I? Were there mascara streaks on my cheeks? Was it really bad? He answered my questions, "that was amazing!". And then he said, "you're so funny, stressing out about it and then blowing everyone away with that great talk. To think I was worried for you. Very nice job."
So what did I say? Is there a taping of it? Because I feel like 'I' didn't have much to do with it. That is the amazing part about teaching by the spirit. Sometimes all it takes is a talkative someone to be willing to try and think up something so-so to say but be open to saying whatever the spirit prompts.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thinking Outloud
Can be dangerous. And cathartic all at the same time.
I love living on the edge. But I can't finish this post right now because I can't remember where I was headed with this one.
I love living on the edge. But I can't finish this post right now because I can't remember where I was headed with this one.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
That's a big fat. . Maybe
But probably, hopefully, a Yes.
My husband has been looking for a new job since mid-July. Lots and lots of applications, interviews and possibilities have come down to no job, yet.
He got a temporary/part time job working for one of his previous employers. It came to light, as he was working there, that they would be looking for a new company to contract out their driving to. Lester was the first one they thought of. They insisted that he draw up a business plan and think about bidding for the contract. We crunched some numbers and figured out that it'd be a great opportunity. So while we are knee deep in paper work, estimates, researching insurance companies, gas expenses, writing up client contracts, rules and on and on. The start date, should we get the bid, is January 2009.
Then, a letter comes in the mail.
One of the places he applied for in July, has finalized their employment selection and my husband is on the list. They want him to finish all the tests they require. It is looking promising that he may be offered this job, to start in January.
We don't want to stop the bidding process because the other job is not guaranteed and we don't want to stop the testing because the contract is not guaranteed. But considering the amount of work and time that has gone into both jobs, once we go ahead in both processes there isn't any turning back. On either job.
The contract job offers some flexibility, SOME (as the owner you always work the most). But no insurance benefits. The second job offers benefits, but has a pretty set schedule (probably 4/10's and alternate weekends).
We've decided that if offered both, we'll take it. And I will be the primary worker for the contract work. That is a scary proposition for 3 reasons. 1. It's a big BIG responsibility. 2. The hours will require the boys be in day care for 6 hours a day, possibly less depending on the structured job schedule. 3. Stress. It's a huge responsibility and my stress management skills are almost zero.
I've always wanted to be a stay home mom. Always. But I was also raised by a mom who worked days, I was completely fine as a latch key kid and I wouldn't change any of that. At all. But still, the thought of finding someone to watch them so early in the morning (I'd leave to pick up clients at 6:30-7 am) and be done around 10 and then have to go again around 3pm and be finished by 5pm. Plus, I would be in charge of the paper work, scheduling, routes and management type stuff, which is why I'd have to add in another hour or so at the end of both driving shifts.
When would I do all the house stuff? Laundry? Cooking? Coupon shopping? and really am I unreasonable to think I need some down time? Are scrapbooking, jewelry making and friends going to go by the wayside? And exercise? Seriously I'll go stir crazy nuts without some exercise.
Then again all this worrying could be for nothing. What if they both say no and we are still without a permanent job?
While the possibilities of two yes's is scary, the possibility of two no's is scarier.
My husband has been looking for a new job since mid-July. Lots and lots of applications, interviews and possibilities have come down to no job, yet.
He got a temporary/part time job working for one of his previous employers. It came to light, as he was working there, that they would be looking for a new company to contract out their driving to. Lester was the first one they thought of. They insisted that he draw up a business plan and think about bidding for the contract. We crunched some numbers and figured out that it'd be a great opportunity. So while we are knee deep in paper work, estimates, researching insurance companies, gas expenses, writing up client contracts, rules and on and on. The start date, should we get the bid, is January 2009.
Then, a letter comes in the mail.
One of the places he applied for in July, has finalized their employment selection and my husband is on the list. They want him to finish all the tests they require. It is looking promising that he may be offered this job, to start in January.
We don't want to stop the bidding process because the other job is not guaranteed and we don't want to stop the testing because the contract is not guaranteed. But considering the amount of work and time that has gone into both jobs, once we go ahead in both processes there isn't any turning back. On either job.
The contract job offers some flexibility, SOME (as the owner you always work the most). But no insurance benefits. The second job offers benefits, but has a pretty set schedule (probably 4/10's and alternate weekends).
We've decided that if offered both, we'll take it. And I will be the primary worker for the contract work. That is a scary proposition for 3 reasons. 1. It's a big BIG responsibility. 2. The hours will require the boys be in day care for 6 hours a day, possibly less depending on the structured job schedule. 3. Stress. It's a huge responsibility and my stress management skills are almost zero.
I've always wanted to be a stay home mom. Always. But I was also raised by a mom who worked days, I was completely fine as a latch key kid and I wouldn't change any of that. At all. But still, the thought of finding someone to watch them so early in the morning (I'd leave to pick up clients at 6:30-7 am) and be done around 10 and then have to go again around 3pm and be finished by 5pm. Plus, I would be in charge of the paper work, scheduling, routes and management type stuff, which is why I'd have to add in another hour or so at the end of both driving shifts.
When would I do all the house stuff? Laundry? Cooking? Coupon shopping? and really am I unreasonable to think I need some down time? Are scrapbooking, jewelry making and friends going to go by the wayside? And exercise? Seriously I'll go stir crazy nuts without some exercise.
Then again all this worrying could be for nothing. What if they both say no and we are still without a permanent job?
While the possibilities of two yes's is scary, the possibility of two no's is scarier.
Life as I Know it
If you knew your life was to change, drastically, in exactly 3 months time, what would you do with the time in your life as you know it?
I've been thinking a lot about changes. A whole LOT.
I'm always nervous to share what I learned during conference, because I sincerely believe that I hear most, that which I need to learn. I've shared many a thought on talks only to have the person I'm speaking to say, "I don't recall hearing that". Having said that, I found that there were a lot of talks on change, trial and strength in the face of adversity and ways to find peace amidst it all.
There have been times in my life when I've thought, I will look back on this hour/day/month/year and think, "wow! I survived and look at what I learned from it". But in reality, most times I look back and think, "that wasn't that bad". Part of it, I believe, is that my worrying made it more difficult. But the bigger part, I believe, is that through the struggling I grew. The me that looks back on the trial is stronger than the me, facing the trial. I wouldn't be the same person if I hadn't grown through the trial.
I am in the middle of a trial and changing period. Part of me is looking back at what I've come through and is cheering. Another part of me is looking ahead at what is still before me and straining to see an end. Is there an end??
I believe there is an end in sight, but it is also the beginning point of something new. Something I'm feeling a little afraid of. I'm not quite sure how or what I need to learn between here and there. Part of me wants to spend the next 3 months pretending I don't know what is coming. Part of me wants to start adjusting to my new reality. Part of me wishes I could go back to the way things were before, but realizes that while it seemed nice then, "The best is yet to be".
I have a heck of a To-Do list. Things I may not have time for in the near future. Things I've put off for tomorrow, only to realize tomorrow is already full. I've been reading Elder Perry's talk on Simplicity. Simplifying takes work, but oh what stress it relieves.
My life isn't where I imagined it would be a year ago and a year from now I can only try to imagine where it may end up. I only wish I could know where that is, will it be more of the same? (as in the past 12 months) something more secure? Please let it be more secure. Please tell me that I'll be strong enough to get through. Please tell me I'll be glad I did it.
I've been thinking a lot about changes. A whole LOT.
I'm always nervous to share what I learned during conference, because I sincerely believe that I hear most, that which I need to learn. I've shared many a thought on talks only to have the person I'm speaking to say, "I don't recall hearing that". Having said that, I found that there were a lot of talks on change, trial and strength in the face of adversity and ways to find peace amidst it all.
There have been times in my life when I've thought, I will look back on this hour/day/month/year and think, "wow! I survived and look at what I learned from it". But in reality, most times I look back and think, "that wasn't that bad". Part of it, I believe, is that my worrying made it more difficult. But the bigger part, I believe, is that through the struggling I grew. The me that looks back on the trial is stronger than the me, facing the trial. I wouldn't be the same person if I hadn't grown through the trial.
I am in the middle of a trial and changing period. Part of me is looking back at what I've come through and is cheering. Another part of me is looking ahead at what is still before me and straining to see an end. Is there an end??
I believe there is an end in sight, but it is also the beginning point of something new. Something I'm feeling a little afraid of. I'm not quite sure how or what I need to learn between here and there. Part of me wants to spend the next 3 months pretending I don't know what is coming. Part of me wants to start adjusting to my new reality. Part of me wishes I could go back to the way things were before, but realizes that while it seemed nice then, "The best is yet to be".
I have a heck of a To-Do list. Things I may not have time for in the near future. Things I've put off for tomorrow, only to realize tomorrow is already full. I've been reading Elder Perry's talk on Simplicity. Simplifying takes work, but oh what stress it relieves.
My life isn't where I imagined it would be a year ago and a year from now I can only try to imagine where it may end up. I only wish I could know where that is, will it be more of the same? (as in the past 12 months) something more secure? Please let it be more secure. Please tell me that I'll be strong enough to get through. Please tell me I'll be glad I did it.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Untitled
I've not posted in nearly a week and a half, on any of my blogs.
I've been at a loss for words and not because things aren't happening, they are. I hate to sound cryptic but lots of the things that are happening are not great. I've been feeling down and discouraged and with great (as in big, not 'super terrific fabulous' great) reasons.
My brain is full, full, full. I have so many thought swirling around my head that I'm afraid to open my mouth. Afraid to open the faucet for fear of creating a flood. A flood of non-contained thoughts, unfinished or resolved feelings and worst of all a tidal wave of emotion. It's all in there. I'm just trying to find a way to let out a slow leak. And I haven't found one yet.
I've been at a loss for words and not because things aren't happening, they are. I hate to sound cryptic but lots of the things that are happening are not great. I've been feeling down and discouraged and with great (as in big, not 'super terrific fabulous' great) reasons.
My brain is full, full, full. I have so many thought swirling around my head that I'm afraid to open my mouth. Afraid to open the faucet for fear of creating a flood. A flood of non-contained thoughts, unfinished or resolved feelings and worst of all a tidal wave of emotion. It's all in there. I'm just trying to find a way to let out a slow leak. And I haven't found one yet.
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